


Lying in the dark

by lil_runaway



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Comfort, Dreams and Nightmares, Finnpoe - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-TRoS, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Stress, The Rise of Skywalker - Freeform, strompilot, they're just trying to cope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:55:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22114477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lil_runaway/pseuds/lil_runaway
Summary: Poe Dameron is lying awake again, trying to cope with the memories of war but Finn is there to help him calm down.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 9
Kudos: 131





	Lying in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> This is a short story happening after the events of The rise of Skywalker. I wanted to write something which isn't completely fluff FinnPoe and this I think has a nice balance between shared trauma and mutual support through it. I hope you like it.  
> Also sorry if there are any mistakes, I'm not a native but I'm trying my best

> But it's harder than you think  
> Telling dreams from one another  
> And you thought the lions were bad  
> Well they tried to kill my brothers
> 
> _(Daniel in the den -_ Bastille)

* * *

  
  


What do you see lying awake in the dark?

He asks himself and tries to name things. 

There’s a faint moonlight falling inside through the window. Clothes hanging on a chair. There’s a chair there too, obviously. He sees a silhouette of a wardrobe. There are sheets of paper pinned to the wall over the desk. Lots and lots of papers. Old plans. New ones. Documents. Maps. He can’t see it but he knows it’s there on the desk. A gold medal. A reward. A reminder. It would shine in the dark if the moonlight hit it from the right angle. But Poe can’t see it. He does it again - imagines. 

No, no, no, no. 

He scolds himself. _Focus on the moment. Focus on_ here _and_ now. 

He opens eyes again, he doesn’t know when they closed. Some time must have passed, the moonlight changed. _Here and now, here and now._

Poe tries to focus. Here are the things he knows for sure: 

_It’s dark, it’s the middle of the night. He’s lying in bed. He’s in his family house on Yavin 4. This is his old room. He is alive._

Poe feels a movement on his left and suddenly goes all stiff, he stops breathing for a few seconds, just until he’s sure that Finn, who’s lying next to him, didn’t wake up. 

Poe starts breathing again. He turns his head to see that Finn changed his position and was now lying on the side facing him. Finn looks so peaceful when he sleeps. Unbothered, free of worry, of fear. He’s safe, he’s free. Poe wants to touch his face, kiss his closed eyes, bless the dreams that are unraveling behind those eyelids. 

But he does not move. He turns his eyes back to the black ceiling. 

Here are other things he knows:

_Finn is sleeping next to him. He’s real and alive. They’re alive. He loves him with all his heart, body and mind. And Finn loves him too. They are in the very same room on the very same bed._

It’s still unbelievable that you could love someone so much that every thought of this person makes you wanna cry. Sometimes Poe’s heart is beating so fast he thinks he’s gonna die because he loves Finn so much. And he’s scared most of the time, he’s scared that every night they go to bed together, is the last one. That somehow war is not over although it has ended six months ago. 

Poe Dameron is a pilot, a soldier. All he knows is war and death, and he is so, so tired. Everytime he closes his eyes he sees the space battles all over again. He sees explosions blinding his vision, he hears screams of his soldiers through the comms. Screams cut out in a second after their ships have been shot down. Poe knows that this is the price he had to pay for Galaxy’s freedom. He knows this is the price for his mistakes in leaderships. He knows he will hear those screams for the rest of his life. 

He accepted it. But he’s just so _fucking_ tired. 

He jerks awake from his delusions when he feels something on his chest. 

“Shh,” he hears. 

Then he realises. He’s in his bed, this is not an empty void of space and he’s not alone in an X-wing cockpit. But then why does he feel so cold? 

“Wha-”, he tries to say but Finn stops him. 

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s alright,” Finn says, voice still a little harsh from sleep. He has his hand placed on Poe’s chest, trying to gently push him back to the lying position. “You just had a bad dream.” 

But Poe’s still up on his elbows and can’t tell if he was sleeping or just imagining things. He must look panicked, because Finn’s expression changes immediately when their eyes meet. 

“C’mere,” he says, lifting coverlet and waiting for Poe to come lie closer to him, so he can cover them both. 

And Poe does shift closer to Finn, almost melting in his embrace. Finn feels so warm and solid. Poe feels his breath steadying. 

“It’s okay, you’re okay, you’re safe,” he hears Finn speaking softly. He places a kiss on his head and hugs him tighter and Poe recognizes those things. 

Because he does this when Finn has nightmares. When he wakes up sweaty and out of breath. In moments like this Poe has to bring him back, call his name and tell him that it’s okay. 

But other nights roles reverse. 

They lie quietly for a moment, waiting for Poe to calm down. Finn strokes his arm gently and Poe listens to his beating heart. 

“I wasn’t sleeping,” he says at last. 

“But your mind was… somewhere,” Finn says. “And you were distressed. And upset. You still are. Where were you, Poe?” 

Poe honestly doesn’t know. And he knows that there is no correct answer to this, but Finn in the depths of his dream _felt_ that something was not right. Sometimes it scared Poe how strong the force is. 

“I’m sorry I woke you up,” he says instead. “My thoughts are loud.” 

“Hey, no need to say sorry. You should wake me up when something’s wrong.” 

Poe smiles. 

“But you look so good when you’re asleep,” Poe says. 

“Aw, you watch me in my sleep. That’s creepy, man,” Finn says but laughs quietly. 

“C’mon, you say it like you don’t do it,” he says and pokes Finn in his stomach with his finger. 

Finn tries so bad not to be loud, they didn’t want to alert Poe’s dad, who was sleeping in the other room. 

“Yeah, I don’t, you drool!” he protests. 

He tried to keep Poe’s hands between their chests, so he doesn’t tickle him anymore. 

“No, I don’t!” Poe says and Finn shush him again, and then they giggle.

Now Finn was holding both of Poe’s hands. They were lying on their sides, looking at each other. 

“Feel better?,” Finn asks. 

“Yeah, a little,” Poe sighs.

And he really does feel better, although he knows there’s void creeping down his mind, just waiting for him to close his eyes and to swallow him whole. A shiver runs down his spine. 

“What was your dream about?” he asks. 

Finn wonders. 

“I don’t know if I remember everything,” he says. “But there was an ocean, I think. There were strange birds that were making a lot of noise. And Rey was there, she was trying to catch those birds. I think you were there too.” 

“Was I hot in your dream?” 

“You looked… normal, I guess.” 

“So I was hot.” 

Finn rolls his eyes. Poe moves closer to him and puts his arm around him. 

“What happened next?” 

Finn turns on his back, so Poe could lie his head on his chest. 

“You were there and I think you told Rey that she shouldn’t touch those birds’ tails or something like that. But then it was getting dark and you were standing in the water, like, waist deep. And I asked what you were doing and you said you had to go. I remember I wanted to come to you but the water was too deep and I couldn’t swim.”

He continues telling the dream and Poe closes his eyes. With Finn’s deep, soothing voice and his sweet smell, the void inside his mind seems further away and less scary. Now he imagines the ocean water and strange birds. 

“But then I was no longer in the water, I was, sort of, floating in space. And I saw you again.” he says, voice worried. “ I saw you in your X-wing and you were scared. That’s when I woke up.” 

Poe opened his eyes. 

“That’s quite a lot you remember,” he says. 

“It seems like it,” he answers. “Wanna tell me what scared you up there, in space?” 

Poe swallows. He doesn’t want to talk about it. Even though they’ve talked about war countless of times, shared their traumas and fears, everytime it hurts the same and the scars just never heal. 

“I was alone,” he says finally. “I was alone and I couldn’t do anything to help my dying friends.” 

Finn was holding him firmly, listening. 

“I’m just so… tired and angry and sad, you know. I can’t bare my thoughts anymore and every night I fear it’s not over. I don’t wanna be a war hero anymore, Finn, but-” 

“But?” 

“But I’m afraid I cannot function without it. I hate war, I really do, I hate that it has taken so much from me, form you… I thought I’ll get rest when it’s over but even here in my own house, my body is working on the farm but my mind -” 

“Is still at war,” Finn finishes for him and Poe nods.

Poe knows that Finn understands him better then anyone. They’ve lived it, they survived it. All their life they’ve only known war and death. How were they supposed to leave it all in the past? Poe doesn’t know how to let go. It doesn’t feel _right_ to let go. 

_Because if I do let go, all of them who died are left there alone. They’re left in the cold emptiness of nonexistance._

He can feel Finns hands pulling him closer. 

“Have you done the exercise?” Finn asks. 

“I tried.”

“Focus on the moment.” 

Poe tries one last time to gather his thoughts in this room. Here are the things he knows for sure:

_I am here. Finn is also here. We are together and we are alive. The war is over. I am in my old room. There’s a bad, a chair, a desk, a wardrobe. Birds are starting to chirp. Finn smells like soap and sweets._

“Try to sleep, Poe. Everything’s alright. It’s alright if you let go. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live,” he hears Finn saying this. But his voice seems to be further and further away. 

“I love you,” Poe says, but isn’t sure if it comes out as a sound or if it’s just in his head. But he knows that Finn hears it anyway. 

“I love you too,” he hears before he falls asleep. 

Poe dreams of an ocean. He’s standing on the beach and on the skies he sees spaceships flying and firing to each other. They’re high and very far away and he knows that nothing will happen to him but he’s uneasy. The sky is orange and fiery glow makes him sick. He walks along the shore and he sees the wreckage of an X-wing. Inside the cockpit, there’s his black helmet. Now he understands - he crash landed. 

_Finn!_

He screams. He looks for him but Finn’s nowhere to be seen. 

_Is he dead?_

He thinks and wants to cry. 

_Poe?_

He hears behind him. He turns around and he sees Finn. He’s smiling. Suddenly there’s no wreckage, there’s no battle. They’re wearing regular clothes and Poe’s still holding his helmet. 

_You’re alive!_

_Of course I am. But we should go. You should leave it here._

Finn says. Poe looks down at the helmet. 

_I can’t. It belongs to me._

Finn points at something behind Poe.

_No. It belongs to the boy._

_What boy?_

Poe wonders and turns around. There’s a little skinny boy playing in the sand, but when he sees them, he stands up and walks up to Poe. He looks strangely familiar. 

_Can I have it back?_

The boy says and points at the helmet. With a hesitation, Poe gives him the helmet. It’s much too big for his little head, but the boy decides to wear it anyway. 

_One day, I’m gonna be a pilot!_

He says and then it hits Poe. He knows who the boy is. He knows those curly hair, this big nose and dark eyes. 

The boy runs away with his helmet. He runs away. 

  
  


When Poe wakes up, the room is full of sun. He can’t remember what was his dream about.

He sits up on the bed and looks at Finn who is still deeply sleeping. He remembers their night talk and smiles to himself. Suddenly all the fears he had just a few hours ago seem so distant in the light of the day. He kisses Finn in the forehead and gets up. He walks up to the window and looks outside. It’s a sunny day. He looks at the green trees and feels peace. This is home.

“Morning,” he hears and turns around to see Finn trying to wake up. 

Without hesitation Poe goes back to bed but decides to climb over Finn and kiss him on the lips. It’s a long and steady kiss and Poe feels so, so alive right now. 

“Get off, you’re heavy,” Finn protests, when Poe pulls away. 

“Just a minute longer,” he asks, making himself more comfortable. 

Finn sighs and lets Poe do whatever he wants. He isn’t quite awaken yet to do anything about it anyway. 

“How do you feel?,” he asks. 

“I’m okay,” Poe says. 

Finn places his hand over Poe’s back and strokes him gently. 

“Good to hear it.” 

They stay like this for a moment, before getting up and getting ready for the day. They hear various sounds coming from the house and outside, but in the room it’s just them. It’s peaceful in here, where the sheets are still warm and the sleep has not yet quite left the air around them and Poe breaths with a relief. 

Here are the things Poe knows for sure: 

_We’re here and we’re alive. We love each other. We’re safe. It’s another days of many, many days when we will wake up next to each other. And when the night falls, it will be another night of many more to come when I will sleep next to Finn and everything will be alright._

He knows he will be alright. They will be alright. And maybe for now it’s enough to start living. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it!:)


End file.
